Monday, November 10, 2014

naraldo and melissa

"that's not what i meant."

"then what did you mean? you should learn to say what you mean."

"you should fix the refrigerator."

"i'm not a refrigerator repairman."

"that's a pretty big dog you've got there."

"that's because i feed him a lot."

"do you believe everything you hear?"

"not everything. but most things."


"because it's easier. if someone says, blue is my favorite color, or 'i had a bacon egg and cheese on a croissant and a french roast this morning when i got up' isn't it easier just to believe them than to waste brain cells wondering about it?"

"don't change the subject."

"i'm not changing the subject, i'm right on the subject."

"fuck you."

"a brilliant riposte."

"stop fighting, you two."

"who's fighting?"

"he's disrespecting me."

"oh please - how am i disrespecting you?"

"you know."

"no, i do not know."

"i was attempting to open up my heart and start a serious conversation about my abduction and you just blew me off with your frivolous philosophizing."

"nobody wants to hear about your abduction. mom, she's starting to talk about her so-called abduction again."

"melissa, i warned you - i told you to just drop the subject."

"you're all a bunch of heartless pigs."

"i said drop it! now rewind, and start the conversation over."


"that's not what i meant."

"then say what you mean."

"this sweater is the wrong color."

"how can a sweater be the wrong color? wrong color for what?"

"wrong color for me."

"that's right, it's always about you, isn't it? mom, she's being a narcissistic asshole again."

"melissa, stop being a narcissistic asshole."

"that's right, take his side!"

"just take a deep breath, melissa, and rewind. i am sure you have an intelligent conversation in you someplace. somehow."


"master, that's not what i want."

"huh? what's that supposed to mean?"

"dumbhead! it's a line from the classic romance novel 'take me forever ' by geraldine st john."

"oh. classic to you, maybe. i would have thought 'classic romance novel' was an oxymoron."

"mom, he's being a snotty patriarchal dickhead again!"

"naraldo, stop being a snotty patriarchal dickhead."

"oh, taking her side again, are you?"

"again? i just took yours."

"fuck you! fuck both of you! i'm going up to my room and jack off!"

"i thought you wanted some intelligent conversation!"

"fuck intelligent conversation!"

"well, if you don't have it now, you will have to have it by tuesday. you know what doctor zeno said."

"i don't give a shit! i feel like jacking off!"

"the porno is turned off until wednesday, you know that, don't you?"

"i have my own fantasies, thank you. i have red-hot fantasies that will knock the booties off the trendiest porno makers in hitsville!"

"ha! ha ha double ha ha!"

"let him go, melissa, he knows the consequences of his actions."


"now what? i was ready for my part in the intelligent conversation."

"well, what do you want from me? there's nothing i can do."

"i could have an intelligent conversation with you."

"you know that's against the rules."

"it's not exactly against the rules. it just doesn't count."

"you mean you want me to talk to you just - for no reason?"

"yeah. for practice, like."

"honey, that's - that's kind of sweet, but i just don't have it in me, i'm sorry. my brain dried up a hundred years ago."

"well, call up and get me somebody then."

"all right, just let me put the finishing touches on this."


“that’s not what i meant”

“then say what you mean.”

“we’ve had this conversation before.”

“then i guess we are having it again, aren’t we?”

“say something new. go ahead, i dare you.”

“make your own sandwich, i’ve sliced my last cucumber.”

“that wasn’t exactly new.”

“the obfuscating termite destabilized the contrite cow.”


“joey isn’t the problem.”

“how could he be the problem? he’s just the paper boy.”

"without him we'd be nothing. we would know nothing."


“you don’t feed that dog enough.”

“he’s my dog, thank you very much, and i'll feed him what i want."

"you should feed him what he wants."

"fuck you."


“i meant what i said the last time.”

“you mean about the paper boy?”

“no, about the termites.”


“you used to be so much fun.”

“you used to be such an asshole. and you still are.”

“i guess there isn’t anything more to say.”

“you got that right.”

“mom, he’s being snotty again, after his last pathetic attempt at faux-reconciliation.”


sources:: the deadbeats, by sam white
take me forever, by geraldine st john
american midnight, by carl b johnson
i thought you knew better than that, by wilson chadwick
the fools, by g t sanderson
daphne, by nora green
this man and this woman, by dorothy mainwaring smith

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