history

by bofa xesjum

after the chinese emperor ritually drowned himself the party broke up and we all went back to our caves my faithful servant, bathsheba, was sitting at the kitchen table drinking a glass of ovaltine i told her that the spanish ambassador had asked me to lend him fifty-five dollars and threatened to blow up the maine if i did not she told me that she was afraid that her new boy friend would not approve of the book she was reading i asked her if there was any mexican takeout left and she tearfully admitted she had given it to the wolf i assured her that everything would work out in the end later that night the martians landed and nothing was ever the same again how trivial all our worries seemed after that!

billy and freedom

all billy wanted was to be free. bob, his brother, was made of sterner stuff. cora, their mom, was content to make breakfast and drink coffee and look out the window. dad was sort of a cipher. every morning billy did one hundred pushups. fareed was billy’s friend. he was billy’s only friend. get ready for some exciting news, that was fareed’s favorite expression. how will i ever make it to twenty-one, billy wondered at least once a day. i bet i know what you are thinking, fareed said to billy one rainy afternoon, when they were watching a football game on tv between two teams they had never heard of. just then the football game was interrupted for an important announcement. king george appeared on the screen. he looked old and sad. he was not wearing his crown, but then, he hardly ever did. let me begin, king george began, by saying how sorry i am. mistakes have been made. no one, i venture to say, could have predicted this. oh, how i wish i could go back in a time machine and undo all that has happened! unfortunately, even our most brilliant and dedicated scientists have not as yet been able to produce a working model of such a device. pull yourself together, man, dad suddenly addressed the televised image of the king. quiet, mom admonished him. let’s hear what the king has to say. a rumbling was heard outside. suddenly billy couldn’t take it any more. was this the end? all he ever wanted was to be free. tearing himself away from the televison screen and the curious gazes of mom, dad, and bob, billy rushed outside, followed by fareed. understanding came slowly to the folks watching and listening to poor king george. very soon, the king would come to the shocking climax of his speech. excuse me! a woman in a green sweater, walking a little dog, exclaimed as billy rushed past her, almost stepping on the dog. you don’t understand! billy shouted to fareed, when fareed finally caught up to him. in the end, all hell broke loose, and there was more than enough blame to go around.

the babysitter, part 2

part two of two

meanwhile, anne bonny was asleep and peacefully dreaming and alice wonderbar was reading an agatha christie novel tony nevada was sitting in a sports bar weeping into his beer unknown to anybody, the martians had landed but cathy carson had had just about enough * daniel boone was completely bewildered by it all outside in the distance, the cry of a newborn child was heard anne bonny was waiting for the 44 bus carmen sanchez, the babysitter, suddenly remembered her homework the doorbell rang on a distant planet carmen’s double woke up dr merlin was losing patience mike fink wrote a letter to the san francisco examiner, complaining about the city’s treatment of the homeless * i got you under my skin do you really care if the world comes to an end? does anybody care where the treasure is buried? frankie and johnny put everything they had on buddy boy in the fifth race billy the lion fell down dead at the bar when buddy boy won down by the river mama roo bided her time the stranger sat down at a table by himself marie laveau politely told the stranger to leave carmen sanchez left a note on the coffee table and wandered out into the night mr wonderbar suddenly remembered playing badminton in the fog with archie carter in london during the war you know, some people will complain if they get hanged with a brand new rope and, that’s all, folks frankie and johnny were lovers *

the babysitter, part 1

part one of two

billy the kid was the life of the party joanie dark was the girl next door billy and joanie were both secret agents of the imperium they lived in the grand hotel billy had a tattoo on his left shoulder of bette davis joanie had a tattoo on her right bicep of virginia woolf reeling in a bass off the coast of florida florence nightingale was a homicide detective daniel boone was a seral killer anne bonny was the spirit of love in a hate filled world daniel boone and anne bonny grew up together in a castle on an island in the bermuda triangle mr merlin was daniel’s high school guidance counselor mike fink was the town drunk mary read was mike fink's probation officer * billy the kid and daniel boone decided to rob and murder mary read daniel boone thought joanie dark knew a secret anne bonny and her pal davy crockett decided to overthrow the government tony nevada was anne bonny’s old personal trainer cathy carson was a loud mouthed pushy bitch doctor dee was the town drunk in the next town over alice wonderbar was a girl who never had a chance the babysitter’s name was carmen sanchez alice wonderbar’s husband was a strange man mr wonderbar thought carmen, the babysitter, was hot mr wonderbar’s sister, carla wonderbar, who had never married, hated the whole stinking human race suddenly a stranger appeared carmen wished she was back in florida in the girls’ reformatory *