Sunday, August 14, 2016

the waitress, version one


version 1 of over 20,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000

illustrated by konrad kraus





bill was a bad guy.

janet was a slut.

bill and janet had 18 children.

they lived with bill’s mom.

bill had a big nose.

janet had the weight of the world on her shoulders.

lucy was bill and janet’s oldest child.

dave was a serial killer.

amanda was the spirit of love in a hate-filled world.

dave thought amanda was a terrorist.

moe was amanda’s long lost child

moe was an easygoing sort.

mickey was moe’s best friend.

bill and dave were on the same bowling team.

dave thought janet had fucked bill up big time.

dave and amanda agreed to compare notes.

tony was a retired delicatessen owner.

carla was the mayor’s wife.

dave ordered a soft roll and a glass of water.

amanda ordered a whole chocolate cake.

the waitress’s name was millie.

she thought amanda was pushy.

tony thought millie should pick up the pace.

carla was bored.

suddenly it started to rain.

millie took a deep breath.

meanwhile janet was packing her suitcase.

and lucy was planning a vacation.

aaron was just a guy.

unknown to aaron, tony was ready to turn state’s evidence.

unknown to amanda, her mother was a trained deadly assassin.

dave was wearing underwear with little cupids on it.

outside on the sidewalk a few raindrops began to fall.

amanda was wearing a pained expression.

millie suddenly remembered life was sad.

carla was thinking about the creepy guy in the garage last night.

tony was thinking about retiring and moving to arizona.

moe was ready to turn his life around.

when his order arrived, dave smiled at millie.

when her order arrived, amanda realized she wasn’t getting any younger.

suddenly tony felt dave looking at him.

returning to the kitchen, millie ate a bread stick.

roy, the cook, was a yankee fan.

nancy, the other waitress, was her own woman.

behind the restaurant, time went by.

walter entered the restaurant, carrying a battered brown briefcase.

walter was desperate.

millie did not recognize walter.

walter ordered two hot dogs, well done, and cole slaw.

walter said it was a nice day.

dave turned around and nodded to walter.

amanda thought, what goes around, comes around.



Tuesday, June 7, 2016

twilight in the spice empire


illustrations by eddie el greco




an apology is a miserable vindication of innocence.

pushing the hobos aside, cathcart continued sipping his coffee, lost and dreaming in the heart of england.

he remembered the occupants of the club car laughing at him. he would show them.

the universe is a dream.

debbie kept an eye on the mailman and the pizza delivery man.

she had nothing to apologize for.

cathcart’s high technical merit never ceased to excite admiration.

especially from the lower classes, who loved the empire.

don’t be uneasy, cathy told debbie as she leaned out the window, depend upon future caution.

the shades were drawn in the back bedroom.

poor dears, prettiness won’t last long.

cathy and debbie had been the two prettiest girls at sunnyvale high, on the other side of the galaxy.

alice, the class clown, hardly recognized them when they came into the pizza parlor.

the denizens of mickey’s pizza were a fine class of people.

they had dined on cruise ships with kings and queens in their time.

they had been stunned, however, by the technical virtuosity of cathcart when he held up the pizza parlor.

cathy went back into the bedroom and lit up.

her destiny was not the least honorable, ever since jimmy had skipped town.

cathcart continued down the street, pushing aside all who got in his way, still slurping the coffee he had coolly appropriated for himself during the holdup.

debbie decided to take a chance on rendering an immense service to lieutenant miller, the cop who had busted her the other night.

she had apologized but he had just laughed in her face.

cathy still thought there was something familiar about the mailman, and the delivery man, who had been so conveniently in the way when cathcart made his getaway.

alice began to laugh uncontrollably, remembering the good old days.

lost and dreaming, on the streets of knoxville tennessee.

cathy lay down on the bed and fell asleep, dreaming of england.

the crew of young bold stout and well-armed villains strutted down the street.

heading straight for the mailman.

cathcart’s destiny had not always been so honorable.

he went wrong after being ridiculed on that fateful morning by foster in front of the whole class.

he decided then and there to betray his upbringing and become a spiv.

all this of course, was before he met jessie.

reaching the wide boulevard, he tossed the empty coffee cup in the street.

a trio of desperate young villains, wielding stout sticks, approached from the opposite curb.

“look at this guy,” maxie laughed.

“watch where yer going, mate,” billy cautioned cathcart.

it all happened so fast marcia hardly knew what happened.

one minute cathcart was strutting purposefully along after tossing his coffee cup aside, and the next minute the three young ruffians were pummeling him mercilessly.

all cathcart’s advanced technical knowledge proved worthless in this crisis.

mister ferris, the chemistry professor, always thought cathcart showed genuine promise.

but england is not what it was - neither are portugal or russia, for that matter.

ah, destiny, destiny!

“at last, sir, you give me liberty to speak - when it may be too late!”

cathy had fallen asleep in the back bedroom.

debbie was sick of covering for her.

she decided to write a note and leave it beside the bed before going out in the street to conquer the world.

the people in the world deserve better.

cathy thought she was so innocent - ha!

poor dears, prettiness won’t last long.

debbie took one last look around the apartment.

her future depended in equal measure on caution and boldness.

she still had her good looks.

destiny spread before her like coffee and doughnuts.

she closed the door behind her.

as she went down the stairs, she heard shouting in the street outside.


sources: clarissa, by samuel richardson; amelia, by henry fielding; eugenie grandet, by honore de balzac; vanity fair, by w m thackeray; madame bovary, by gustave flaubert; anna karenima, by leo tolstoy; diana of the crossways, by george meredith; tess of the d’urbevilles, by thomas hardy; portrait of a lady, by henry james; ann veronica, by h g wells; the old wives’ tale, by arnold bennett; main street, by sinclair lewis; when she was good, by philip roth


Tuesday, February 2, 2016

3 poems


illustrations by palomine studios



19th century



after you, sir
good morning, madam
congratulations on your new appointment

“i can always count on you, sir james.”

a fine sermon
and a beautiful morning

indeed it is
permit me
a good breakfast

thank you so much
it looks like rain
good morning, lady barbara

we are expecting the fairleighs
permit me

“the light on the heather is breathtaking”

after you
it was a fine sermon
luncheon is served

it looks like rain
congratulations on your new appointment
after you, miss caroline

indeed it is
quite right
thank you

permit me
an excellent luncheon
the guests have arrived





20th century



oh yeah?
what a dame
who says?

that’s my wife
that’s swell
give me a break

we can work this out
that’s what you say
give me a break, officer

what a babe!
who says?
get out

oh you kid
i love my wife
we can reach an agreement

what a set of curves
we can do business here
that’s my wife, buddy

can you spare a dime?
get lost
hey buddy, can you help a guy out?

we might be able to do business
who says?
i just need a little help

you great big beautiful doll!
that’s my little girl
if you ain’t got a nickel





21st century



what an asshole
what a fucking asshole
fuck you, bitch

what an asshole
shut the fuck up
i said, shut the fuck up

shut the fuck up!
asshole
you’re wrong

“what part of shut the fuck up don’t you understand?”

really?
fuck you

kiss my ass
suck my dick
because you’re wrong

shut up
kiss my ass
you really think so?

what a bitch
i don’t think so
fuck you, asshole

oh really?
just shut up
bitch!

i don’t think so
don’t bother me
go fuck yourself, bitch



Saturday, January 23, 2016

it felt strange


by chuck leary

illustrations by eddie el greco





walking on the sidewalk
with the others still trapped in the truck
megan wanted to take her chances
but i felt a great sense of relief

at the newsstand on the corner
there were a lot of pictures of frank but no papers
ernie was not even there
i guess he was not too worried

i went up to joe’s room
his old telephone was still there
the one that looked like a banana
i was tempted, but left everything the way i found it

in the office
i crawled across the floor
and got my pants back on
everybody acted like they didn’t notice

someday i will go back to the hotel
and this time go up the stairs
very carefully because you never know who is waiting



Friday, January 22, 2016

adam and beth - version 32211-44241-23312-21431-41441-4






adam was an asshole

he dreamed of being able to have sex with any woman in the world

his favorite book was the bible

his favorite movie was 2001 - a space odyssey

his favorite food was colonel sanders fried chicken

his favorite music was g g allin


beth was a poet and a dreamer

she dreamed of winning the nobel prize for literature

her favorite book was the scum manifesto

her favorite movie was titanic

her favorite food was godiva chocolates

her favorite music was vivaldi

adam and beth met when adam stepped on beth’s foot on the subway

they immediately despised each other

the next day adam went to dunkin donuts and bought a large decaf and a raspberry danish

the next day beth got on a bus to cleveland

adam’s mom called adam as she did every day

beth’s mom went for a walk in the woods

the police asked the public for information

the media covered it up

public opinion blamed the media

years later the case was forgotten

when adam got out of prison he married a woman who had written to him in prison

beth went her own way

adam and beth met again at a mcdonalds in times square

in the end the stars looked down and laughed




Friday, December 25, 2015

dynamite by moonlight, part 2






he took his time lighting his cigarette
and handled her with kid gloves
where are the clothes i was wearing last night?

he eyed her through the drifting smoke rings
they are in the coffin with maxie
he replied with perfect self-assurance

what you might call impeccable sangfroid
he’d been planning it for a long tome
because he wouldn’t beat up a woman, would he?

he looked around for the bottle
she had that mean look on her face again
he’d been planning to get rid of her for a long time

just because he wouldn’t actually beat up a woman
with sober and passionless precision
i thought the coffin was a pretty good idea

it didn’t mean he wouldn’t bump her off
strictly dynamite as she might be

“we’ve known each other for a long time.”

but i’m not the same guy i used to be
even though i am not yet in my coffin

“you are not fooling anybody with that line of grapefruit.”

where did you put that bottle?
when did you start caring so much about bottles?
those look like the same clothes you were wearing last night to me

you know i wear a new suit every day
even though the liquor bills are sending me to the poorhouse
and everybody and his uncle owe me money

sources: don’t get in my way, by frances clippinger; the murderer is a fox, by ellery queen; dread journey, by dorothy b hughes; the curse of the bronze lamp, by carter dickson; the double take, by roy huggins; too late for tears, by roy huggins; violent night, by ralph jackson; run from the hunter, by keith grantland; to find cora, by harry whittington; framed in guilt, by day keene; my flesh is sweet, by day keene; the devil thumbs a ride, by robert c du see