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by bofa xesjum

an assassin walked into a bar. he ordered a drink from the bartender. a cold martini. outside, a little dog ran down the street. is your name eddie wilson, the assassin asked the bartender when he received his cold martini. no, replied the bartender, but it is fred smith. why do you ask? because i am a trained deadly assassin, the assassin growled, and i have been hired to kill eddie wilson. the bartender shook his head. i am sorry i can not help you, but nobody calling himself eddie wilson is a regular customer in this establishment. a bead of icy perspiration suddenly appeared on the assassin’s cold martini. just because he does not call himself eddie wilson does not mean he is not eddie wilson, the assassin persisted. that is true. perhaps you could be kind enough to describe him. he is a little guy, about three and a half feet tall, with a tattoo of the mona lisa on his forehead. no, the bartender mused thoughtfully, no one of that description comes in here. there is mike morrison. he is at least four feet tall though, and has a picture of kim kardashian tattooed on his left bicep. that is not the guy i want. oh well, then i guess you are out of luck. the bartender sighed. that is the trouble with people today, the assassin replied with a touch of annoyance. they give up too easily, and do not go the extra mile to help a guy out. suddenly the place grew quiet. are you accusing me, my friend, of giving you the runaround? the bartender asked the assassin. there is no need to get sore. i was just expressing my frustration at not being able to do the job i was hired to do, that is all. please forgive me. a tarantula crawled across the floor toward the assassin. i had an uncle named harry, the bartender said. and he used to get upset at every little thing. finally my aunt clara had enough of his nonsense and left him. a violent burst of wind blew the door open. why can’t that damn door stay shut? the bartender asked. you cant expect everything to work the way it is supposed to, the assassin said. and yet we hope, the bartender said. we go on hoping, day after day, even though there is no hope, the bartender walked out from behind the bar, and the tarantula, which had been intended for the assassiin, bit him.

history

by bofa xesjum

after the chinese emperor ritually drowned himself the party broke up and we all went back to our caves my faithful servant, bathsheba, was sitting at the kitchen table drinking a glass of ovaltine i told her that the spanish ambassador had asked me to lend him fifty-five dollars and threatened to blow up the maine if i did not she told me that she was afraid that her new boy friend would not approve of the book she was reading i asked her if there was any mexican takeout left and she tearfully admitted she had given it to the wolf i assured her that everything would work out in the end later that night the martians landed and nothing was ever the same again how trivial all our worries seemed after that!

billy and freedom

all billy wanted was to be free. bob, his brother, was made of sterner stuff. cora, their mom, was content to make breakfast and drink coffee and look out the window. dad was sort of a cipher. every morning billy did one hundred pushups. fareed was billy’s friend. he was billy’s only friend. get ready for some exciting news, that was fareed’s favorite expression. how will i ever make it to twenty-one, billy wondered at least once a day. i bet i know what you are thinking, fareed said to billy one rainy afternoon, when they were watching a football game on tv between two teams they had never heard of. just then the football game was interrupted for an important announcement. king george appeared on the screen. he looked old and sad. he was not wearing his crown, but then, he hardly ever did. let me begin, king george began, by saying how sorry i am. mistakes have been made. no one, i venture to say, could have predicted this. oh, how i wish i could go back in a time machine and undo all that has happened! unfortunately, even our most brilliant and dedicated scientists have not as yet been able to produce a working model of such a device. pull yourself together, man, dad suddenly addressed the televised image of the king. quiet, mom admonished him. let’s hear what the king has to say. a rumbling was heard outside. suddenly billy couldn’t take it any more. was this the end? all he ever wanted was to be free. tearing himself away from the televison screen and the curious gazes of mom, dad, and bob, billy rushed outside, followed by fareed. understanding came slowly to the folks watching and listening to poor king george. very soon, the king would come to the shocking climax of his speech. excuse me! a woman in a green sweater, walking a little dog, exclaimed as billy rushed past her, almost stepping on the dog. you don’t understand! billy shouted to fareed, when fareed finally caught up to him. in the end, all hell broke loose, and there was more than enough blame to go around.

the babysitter, part 2

part two of two

meanwhile, anne bonny was asleep and peacefully dreaming and alice wonderbar was reading an agatha christie novel tony nevada was sitting in a sports bar weeping into his beer unknown to anybody, the martians had landed but cathy carson had had just about enough * daniel boone was completely bewildered by it all outside in the distance, the cry of a newborn child was heard anne bonny was waiting for the 44 bus carmen sanchez, the babysitter, suddenly remembered her homework the doorbell rang on a distant planet carmen’s double woke up dr merlin was losing patience mike fink wrote a letter to the san francisco examiner, complaining about the city’s treatment of the homeless * i got you under my skin do you really care if the world comes to an end? does anybody care where the treasure is buried? frankie and johnny put everything they had on buddy boy in the fifth race billy the lion fell down dead at the bar when buddy boy won down by the river mama roo bided her time the stranger sat down at a table by himself marie laveau politely told the stranger to leave carmen sanchez left a note on the coffee table and wandered out into the night mr wonderbar suddenly remembered playing badminton in the fog with archie carter in london during the war you know, some people will complain if they get hanged with a brand new rope and, that’s all, folks frankie and johnny were lovers *

the babysitter, part 1

part one of two

billy the kid was the life of the party joanie dark was the girl next door billy and joanie were both secret agents of the imperium they lived in the grand hotel billy had a tattoo on his left shoulder of bette davis joanie had a tattoo on her right bicep of virginia woolf reeling in a bass off the coast of florida florence nightingale was a homicide detective daniel boone was a seral killer anne bonny was the spirit of love in a hate filled world daniel boone and anne bonny grew up together in a castle on an island in the bermuda triangle mr merlin was daniel’s high school guidance counselor mike fink was the town drunk mary read was mike fink's probation officer * billy the kid and daniel boone decided to rob and murder mary read daniel boone thought joanie dark knew a secret anne bonny and her pal davy crockett decided to overthrow the government tony nevada was anne bonny’s old personal trainer cathy carson was a loud mouthed pushy bitch doctor dee was the town drunk in the next town over alice wonderbar was a girl who never had a chance the babysitter’s name was carmen sanchez alice wonderbar’s husband was a strange man mr wonderbar thought carmen, the babysitter, was hot mr wonderbar’s sister, carla wonderbar, who had never married, hated the whole stinking human race suddenly a stranger appeared carmen wished she was back in florida in the girls’ reformatory *

kicks for sale

by bofa xesjum

an ape in a pinstriped suit spoke excitedly with feminine gestures wrapped tightly about one another a lot of things that wouldn't be legal because i was still afraid of girls and an ape in a pinstriped suit wrapped tightly around the lamppost she sure is something speaking excitedly with feminine gestures while you were drunk the ape in the pinstriped suit "i have to say he gave it the old college try" i said i was sorry i had no whisky because i was still afraid of girls i have to break out of it or go nuts watching and spying on her neighbors she saw a lot of things that wouldn't be legal while we were all drunk they spoke excitedly with feminine gestures and i was still afraid of those darn girls while mother was drunk she sure is something he began to climb the stairs with a wanton display of versatility yes, a lot of things wouldn't be legal when you are afraid of girls he began to climb the stairs sources: the indiscreet confessions of a nice girl, by anonymous; the killer, by wade miller; too hot to handle, by frank g presnell; we all killed grandma, by fredric brown; the damned, by john d macdonald; all passion spent, by chandler brossard; delay en route, by jerry weil; paint on their faces, by jerry weil; office wife, by jerry weil; a gem of a murder, by carlton keith a real cool cat, by jerry weil; adventures in a cold-water flat, by jerry weil

a good time is had by all persons

by bofa xesjum

have the new year do it first say, you are in the way forget the last day for long make great with the thing the little man went at the world know your own life and take it the other hand saw the old one come right up about the part the child thought big into the eye look high over the woman the place wants different after give small work for a large week find the next case and tell ask the young government about the early work seems important to the company few numbers feel the public group try the bad problem and leave able facts call the same that is not he as you one all would be there assembled from the most common words in the english language, per wikipedia